dear insanity

february 15th 2012
listening to: The Audition

Telling a depressed person they are worthless or they let you down is probably the worst thing you could do.
Thanks. 

January 19th 2012

I want to achieve a sense of greatness this year. I have had some opportunities come up and I am going to grasp every single one I can. With that being said, I am starting a new project. I am going to take things to the next level. I will not sit and sink into nothing. I will not give up. 

January 7th 2012
listening to: Armor For Sleep

life has been boring for the most part. I have been searching frantically for a better paying job so I can move out. I have been looking at apartments and daydreaming about how cute it would be to decorate and have a place to call my own.

Yup that has pretty much been my life. I am going shopping with my mom tomorrow which should be fun. She usually buys me stuff so I cant complain. 

January 1st 2012
Listening to: Taking Back Sunday-Where You Want To Be

So I spent the night home in bed instead of going out and apparently that “ruined” some of my friends NYE. I don’t really understand why. I am not at all a party girl. The only reason I was going to go out was because I wanted to dress up. Why would me staying home mean that my friends had to stay home? They all have cars and other friends and are capable of going without me. I just don’t get it. I never agreed to go out with any of them in the first place. It was all just plans being tossed around up until the day of. 

For 2012 I plan on focusing on me. I plan of getting better, working harder, getting out. I walked in on my boss talking shit about me and how I will always work a dead in job and will never leave this fucked up town. My goal is to prove her wrong. My goal is to get out and take the world on by myself. I know I can do it.

December 27th 2011
Listening to: Fall Out Boy-Infinity On High

I have been writing A LOT lately and I dont know, I just feel a lot better. It is amazing how many people actually read or like or subscribe to my stories. It makes me feel like maybe I am doing it for more than just myself.
Yesterday was the most boring day at work, it sucked but at the same time it was great. I literally spent three hours just talking to this newer girl in my department about Fall Out Boy, Asking Alexandria, The Architects, and Panic! At The Disco. Its weird having someone around who literally likes all the same things and has the same views on things as I do. Its refreshing.

 

December 21st 2011
Listening To: Sleeping WIth Sirens-Fuck You(Cover)

So pretty much the first thing I was told..at 6:30 this morning…at work was that my boss who has pretty much been a mother to me the last 8 years was in the hospital and was taken there by ambulance last night. Not the greatest start to the day.
Thankfully the rest of the day went a little better. Got a christmas bonus and it was a supervisor bonus so it was a little more than I was expecting although I wasnt expecting anything at all because the company lost so much money during the storm a couple months ago.
Then I received an email I almost deleted thinking it was spam. It was from Glamour Kills asking if they could use one of my photos of WATIC on there site. I seriously almost cried.
Everytime I start to think I should give up on my pursuit to become a legit photographer someone contacts me or something happens that gives me the little spark of hope that I need.
So yup. I am off to finish up some christmas shopping. I managed to do everything online up until now so I am kind of dreading going to the mall.  

December 18th 2011
listening to: Departure-Jesse McCartney

Went to a random radio show in the middle of nowhere Vermont last night. It was like old times. Just some random little show at a bar. It was weird to see The Cab play there. It was weird that there were like 10 of us standing on the floor. It was just I dont know. It made me think a lot. The whole night did. 
Do I really want to keep doing this? Do I really think I can make something of myself? Can I really handle much more rejection? Right now things are going nowhere for me. This past week I have honestly thought about selling my camera equipment and just letting it all go. People say I have talent, that I will go somewhere with it, but I just feel like I am running in circles.  

December 14th 2011
Listening to: Sleeping With Sirens-Lets Cheers To This

We all know 2011 has been a shitfest for me. I have been all over the place, one day I am content with life and the next everything is a mess. Its my own fault. I should have gotten out when I could, but I didn’t and I have to live with the consequences. Its my fault for not getting the help I need. Its my fault for not trying harder, for not being open about things, for hiding who I am. It sucks.
I hide behind a fake smile and a stupid joke. Put me in any serious situation and I can guarantee I will flip it and change the subject without you even noticing. Ask me anything personal and I will crack a joke and make you forget about what you had asked me in the first place. I can’t let people in. I’ve been through more than any of my family or friends could even imagine and they will never know. 
2011 was supposed to be my year. I wasn’t going to let things get in my way. I was determined to make something of myself. Yet here I sit, alone, cold, exactly where I was a year ago. Only I am worse than I was a year ago. I do things that I don’t want to do anymore, that I promised myself I wouldn’t do anymore. I have had more anxiety attacks in this year than I had my entire life leading up to it. I’ve worn myself down to the point where I feel nothing. I just pretend. I pretend that I care, that I hurt, that I am happy, that I am alive. This is not how I want to live.
So here it is, as of January 1st 2012, I am going to make the best out of life. I am going to stop hiding, face my fears, face the skeletons in my closet. I am going to be a better friend. I am going to try. My friends always say they are worried about me or ask me if I am alright, well, if you notice I am down or that something isn’t right annoy the shit out of me until I tell you what’s wrong. It’s too easy for me to hide things, I just need a little help and a little support.

So yea, I am sorry for being a shitty friend to everyone. Give me time and I will make it up to you.